After loosing my husband to a clearly senseless purpose…

Loosing an entire side of a family by virtue of mis-information and poor grieving skills…

The home we built with care, pride, duty, responsible, with gratitude and appreciation…is vacant of love, smiles, laughter, warmth

My daughter has felt the emptiness of a missing parent by virtue of a overworked, underhelped, undervalued, depreciated, made into a monster,  and mischaracterized mother…

My family has been torn apart, exhausted and well…dis-illusioned with the possibility of any justice 

and now…what little faith i had in the system to bring justice, perspective and light…thats gone…because i no longer believe justice exisits. 

What could any man left on this earth do to even remotely undo what has been done? putting your faith in any man will bring you to this…empty pages of a chapter that must still be closed….

I really expected closure when the FBI became involved. Its like the knight rides in to save us all from this muck and mire…

I was wrong in thinking anyone or anything can bring my life closure and answers to what happened to us all…

After the fiasco of Dateline…my husbands life has been turned into a legacy of embittered black women….the complete opposite of his life. Infidelity has been introduced on both sides, greed and hate…

and oh yeah i somehow lost my job…but hey life happens right? I mean in three years i have managed to loose everything except my life…and thats debatable 

SO now i have a choice…because i NEED to grieve and no one is going to give me that. After three years i have to go through the very necessary process of grieving and moving forward with life…because it doesnt matter anymore what people do or dont do…i am all that matters and i have to want this more than anyone else..

*****while short i did this online journal for myself and anyone else trying to just get through one more day……but my thoughts will no longer be recorded here…but hopefully saved*****

Is there such a thing? Of course I lived it for as long as i can remember with my deceased husband. He loved most things i did, i am sure. But i know realize whats the most important today i might not have thought as important then….such a sad discovery. But thats what this Blog is about..discovery of self.

Look i am not lazy or undetermined to make a life for me and my family. Under no circumstances do i belive that i cant bring joy and happiness to the world. But i also know my limits and right now i am at my limit with many things. Mainly the issues surrounding my husbands death. While i knew it would come a day that the need to control the outcome and process would over take me…i did not think it would be this bad and this incapacitating. I’m more concerned with the outcome then i am my own well being on a daily basis. So its back to square one…

How can i get through this process stronger, wiser and more prepared to live a full life. 

i have lost my home, my car, my job, tax collectors, wage garnishment, the bottom…oh god the bottom….its here

Sitting in the park with my 3yo i am guaranteed to have a blog entry…and so the lessons on the playground are not only for the little one but for us bigger people…

Nikki is a real particular kid..she doesn’t talk to many strangers but she will run in the park with the kids now..and today i witnessed her climb and and run with another little boy. He would occasionally looks back for her progress through the maze of bridges and platforms. she hesitated very sometimes but made the transition from the baby part to the big kids part…and it was just a matter of her believing what i told her…she was safe and the bridge was ok.

So why cant i trust my heavenly father? Why has faith been so obscure? It doesn’t mean i never had faith, it means at this point and time I’m struggling. Like Nik the bridge looks large, looming, and impassable…the ground below seems so far, and the planks seem weak. 

I have to cross this bridge…

up…..up…up…doesn’t matter im sure i will be down soon….down down down